Tagged by Banno, a dear friend to whom I cannot say no, I have been asked to elucidate ten ways in which my behavior or desires is not generally reflective of my female gender. This is a much murkier area than it would have been, say, twenty years ago (at least here in Amrika) but it’s still a pretty easy list for me to make. I love being a woman, but I have often rebelled against what women are “supposed to do.” At dinner parties you will find me hanging out with the men and drinking beer, for instance, not helping in the kitchen.
1. I have no maternal instinct. This complete and utter lack of any wish to have a rug rat running around underfoot has also prevented me from getting married (men are like children, no?)…I can take care of myself, but that’s about it. I really don’t want to take care of anyone else. Gemma mostly keeps herself alive by reminding me vociferously to feed and walk her, but she would tell you that it’s not easy to get my attention.
2. I am fiercely independent. I might need your help but I will never ask for it, and much of the time won’t take it when it’s offered freely either. This is not a good or healthy thing, and I am working on it, but it’s still there. I do ask for directions when I’m lost, however. I’m independent, not stupid.
3. I refuse to cook and clean. I hate domestic chores. Hate them, will not do them. “Never do yourself what you can pay someone else to do for you” is my mantra for housekeeping and everything involved. I love my cleaning ladies, and would go on the pole if I had to in order to keep them. Cooking is out of the question: if it’s more work than removing a lid and sticking a spoon inside, I can’t be bothered. I will go out or have something delivered (or settle for a liquid dinner instead).
4. I have poor laundry habits. I will do laundry when I absolutely have to, but I will not sort whites from colors or any such nonsense like that. Cold water is your friend! I just bundle everything together, stuff it in the washer (and dryer) and cross my fingers.
5. I am tortured by shopping (except in India where you can sit and drink chai or something thanda while people wait on you hand and foot). Pretty much everything I need I get online. My groceries are delivered, Gemma’s food and toys and meds are delivered, and I will wear (am wearing, in fact) jeans with holes in them rather than shop for a new pair. Kill me if you must, but do not take me to a mall.
6. I drink like a fish. An entire bottle of wine in one evening is not unusual consumption for me. What can I say? I like to drink, and I can hold it, so I do. Although if I do have to go on the pole at some point, I’ll keep the cleaning ladies and give up the drink. I think.
7. I eat like a wolf. I always clean my plate, and I am always the first one done at the table. People say: “Oh honey, did you drop your food?” When I was in college I used to earn money by winning pancake-eating contests (against men) (men on the swim team). Picking delicately at a salad is not my thing.
8. I dislike fancy clothes. I want to be comfortable at all times. Do not put me in high heels or anything tight and certainly not anything revealing. Nobody needs to see it, and I don’t need to be that unhappy. I do not like to dress up (except in costumes, that’s different). I love my jewels and my tiaras and my eyeliner, but I’m wearing them with jeans and a t-shirt. I am not at all interested in shoes or handbags or matching anything.
9. I am generally content and easy to please. I don’t obsess over how I look or what people think of me (this is partly my age too). I don’t need to cut down other women in order to make myself feel better. I like who I am, flaws and all, and I’m happy on my own. I can go out to dinner or travel by myself, and I don’t need anyone to go to the bathroom with me (I don’t primp in there either, I’m out quicker than some men I know). If I want to I’ll take a nap no matter what kind of chores are beckoning. I’ll get to them when (if) I get to them, and not before. And it’s just fine with me if you do the same.
10. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. You never have to worry that you don’t know what I’m thinking. Believe me, I will tell you. I do edit a fair amount, but most people can’t tell and don’t give me nearly enough credit for it. My father says that I am not always right but I am always SURE. I say: being sure is half the battle!
But it isn’t very feminine.